He understood from an early age what life was about. If only I could have had Chris around in my twenties. If only I could have seen him move through life, just four year older than I was. He would have inspired so many more people, but he will always inspire me.
When I was about sixteen, Chris gave me this intro to philosophy textbook and said “I’ll only let you keep this if you will read it”. He was passionate, wrote poetry, and loved asking questions and diving deeper. But my favorite thing about him was how he was curious about people and genuinely cared about them in a way that is rare for anyone. I will never understand why his life had to be cut short. I feel the devastating loss of his potential. I feel immense joy from his memory.
Chris took me to see the first Jurassic Park in the theatre. I didn't want to see the violent part so he told me when to close my eyes, even though I'm sure he wanted me to experience the entire movie. I’ll always remember that feeling. This was the same brother who convinced me to go on Collossus at Magic Mountain even though I was begging to change my mind at the last minute. He said “Once you are locked in you have to ride, it’s the rules” and when it was over and I had an awesome time, he was so excited saying “Aren’t you glad you went? I was just kidding, you could have gotten off the ride! But see? You had fun!” Oh, my brother. He was brave and wanted me to be brave as well.
I think of my brother Chris today and I’ll think of him tomorrow. I will always wish he was here. I will tell Juniper about her uncle and I will show her his writings one day. When I watch her devouring all kinds of food I feel joy and gratitude remember how much Chris loved good food.
There is that Beatles lyric that says “She’s not a girl who misses much”…well, I am not that girl. I miss my brother. I miss memories I'll never have with him. I miss his hilarious, poetic, soulful, generous presence. His incomparable personality. It’s always hard to convey his loss to people who have never met him. I’ve often felt a deep loneliness without my big brother here. Yet, as long as I am alive, the memory and beauty of who he was lives on through me in whatever way I can manage it.
He will forever be the inspiration behind why I put my art out into the world. When he was here, I was too shy to show it to him.
I won’t always post things publicly on this date, but this year I felt compelled to share some thoughts. It’s taken me this many years to even come close to be able to write something like this, let alone share it.
I miss you Chris, and I wish you were here.
I won’t always post things publicly on this date, but this year I felt compelled to share some thoughts. It’s taken me this many years to even come close to be able to write something like this, let alone share it.
I miss you Chris, and I wish you were here.
I also want to say thank you to my Mom for bringing him into the world. You have showed strength without measure, and despite your profound sadness and grief, you still show up with generosity, kindness and love. I love you always.
